Transcript of SNL Special: October 16, 2008

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

“SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE WEEKEND UPDATE THURSDAY” RETURNS OCTOBER 16 WITH PARODY OF THE THIRD PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

“Saturday Night Live” returns live this Saturday with host Josh Brolin (“W.”) and musical guest Adele.

New York, NY – October 16, 2008 – The top-rated SNL primetime "Weekend Update Thursday" returned tonight with political comedy throughout its live broadcast – opening with a parody of the Third Presidential Debate featuring the return of SNL alum Chris Parnell as moderator Bob Scheiffer and numerous references to "Joe the Plumber."

In addition, the half-hour live broadcast featured an extended "Weekend Update" with Seth Meyers and Amy Poehler, which was interrupted by Kristen Wiig as the McCain supporter from the Senator's Oct 10 rally in Minnesota who claimed Obama was "an Arab" as well as Darrell Hammond as Rev. Jesse Jackson, addressing the so-called "Bradley Effect" where African American candidates are hurt by racism in the voting booths despite being ahead in the polls.

Highlights of the Third Presidential Debate sketch follow:

CHRIS PARNELL AS BOB SCHIEFFER: "Good evening, I'm Bob Schieffer of CBS News and welcome to the third and final Presidential debate of the 2008 election.  I'll be your moderator tonight, for what we hope will be a lively and substantive discussion between the candidates, Senator Barack Obama of Illinois and Senator John McCain of Arizona.  Gentlemen, let's begin.  Obviously, with another 700-point plunge in the DOW today, this economy is in trouble.  Each of you have plans to address the problem, but tell us, why yours is better than your opponent's.  We'll start with Senator McCain."

DARRELL HAMMOND AS SEN. JOHN McCAIN: "Bob, let me begin by saying, a few days ago, Senator Obama was out in Ohio, and he had an encounter with a man named Joe, who is a plumber.  We'll call him 'Joe the Plumber.'  Now Joe wants to buy the business where he's worked for many years.  And he looked at Senator Obama's tax plan, and saw that he was going to pay much higher taxes.  Which would leave him unable to employ people, and achieve the American dream.  So my question is, why would you want to do that to Joe the Plumber?  What did Joe the Plumber ever do to you, that you want to raise his taxes?  Of all the people to go after in this way, why single out Joe the Plumber?"

FRED ARMISEN AS SEN. BARACK OBAMA: "First of all, look, I don't recall meeting the individual you're referring to.  But let me say this, nearly all small businesses earn less than $250,000 a year.  And if Joe's business falls into that category, he should know that under my plan, his taxes will not go up.  Not one cent."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, I don't think most people believe that.  And I know Joe the Plumber doesn't.  Because he's told me so.  And frankly, I trust Joe the Plumber a lot more than I trust your plan.  Because Joe the Plumber is a straight shooter, and one of the finest people I've ever known.  And I'll tell you something else:  He's got a lot of good ideas on how to fix this economy.  And, as President, I'll be relying on his advice and expertise."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Let's turn to a related topic.  Over the last several years, we've seen budget deficits increase dramatically, with some experts saying this year's could reach nearly a trillion dollars.  What will either of you do to bring government spending under control?  Senator Obama?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Look, obviously, Bob, all government programs need to be examined to see if they're necessary, or if they're working, or if they could do the job more efficiently.  But we've got to cut these programs carefully, with a scalpel, not a hatchet."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "The fact is, Senator, only one of us has a record of fighting wasteful government spending, and it's me.  As President, I would go after the bloated budgets with a giant hatchet, and then use a scalpel.  Or I might take the advice of my friend, Joe the Plumber, and use a plunger."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "A plunger?  I don't understand."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Obviously, Senator.  It's not an ordinary plunger.  It's a magical plunger."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "So, your friend 'Joe the Plumber' has a 'magical plunger?'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "That's correct."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Would your friend Joe, be, by any chance an 'imaginary friend?'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, Joe the Plumber lives in a cigar box, under my bed, with our friend Simon."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "So, Joe the Plumber would be very tiny then."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Joe stands about 3 and a half inches tall.  Except when he's upset.  Then he can become as big as a house!  He's my best friend."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: (AFTER AN AWKWARD SILENCE) "Alright, let's turn to a new topic..."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, could I just add, that Simon is invisible?"

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Of course.  Gentlemen, over the last few weeks, the tone of this campaign has become increasingly nasty.  Senator Obama, in describing your opponent, your campaign has used words like 'erratic,' 'out of touch,' 'lying,' 'losing his bearings,' 'senile,' 'dementia,' 'nursing home,' 'decrepit,' and 'at death's door.'  Senator McCain, your ads have featured terms such as 'disrespectful,' 'dangerous,' 'foreign,' 'sleeper agent,' and 'uncircumcised.'  Are you both comfortable with this level of discourse?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "Look Bob, obviously, in any campaign, harsh things are going to be said.  And certainly, both of our campaigns have now and then crossed the line.  But, I have to say; I am troubled by some of the things said about me at my opponent's rallies.  Things like 'traitor,' 'kill him,' and 'off with his head.'  And unfortunately, Senator McCain has yet to condemn these comments."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, as to the 'off with his head' comment, that was shouted at a rally we held at a Renaissance Fair.  The gentleman had too much mead and he was removed by security. "

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "At that same event, I was also denounced as a 'sorcerer.'"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "At any rally of nearly 75 people, you're going to get a couple of crackers.  We all know that.  But just a few moments ago, my opponent slandered my very best friend in the world, Joe the Plumber, as "imaginary."  Would the Senator like to apologize to Joe for that remark?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: (LOOKING INTO CAMERA) "Joe, when attempting to confirm your existence..."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, why don't you say it to his face?  He's right here." (POINTS TO TOP OF DESK)

(ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA plays along, and)

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA (LOOKING DOWN AT IMAGINARY PERSON STANDING ON DESK): "Joe, if I in any way implied that you do not exist, I sincerely apologize."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Joe the Plumber tells me he accepts your apology...Wait a second, what's that?  No, don't worry, my tiny friend, I won't let him raise your taxes."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Alright.  We have time for one more question.  Let's talk about the people each of you would bring into government.  Specifically, your running mates.  Senator Obama?"

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "For nearly 35 years, Joe Biden has established a reputation for honesty, compassion, and a mastery of the issues affecting this nation.  I can't think of anyone more qualified to assume the Presidency, should anything happen to me."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Senator McCain."

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bob, I've known Senator Biden for nearly 25 years.  And I think he's a good man.  But let me say something here.  He has never been particularly nice to Joe the Plumber.  I think Joe the Plumber resents that.  In fact, I know he does.  But as to my own running mate, Governor Palin, I couldn't be more proud of her.  Now, on the question of people I'd bring into government, let me say here tonight, that, as President, I will be the first to add a cabinet-level Department of Plumbing.  And you know how I'm going to tap for that post?"

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "Joe the Plumber?"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Bingo.  Joe the Plumber.  You're damn straight."

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: "What about your mutual friend Simon, who also lives in the cigar box under your box?"

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: "Senator, Simon cannot serve in the Cabinet, because Simon is a unicorn.  And I think you know that."

PARNELL AS SCHIEFFER: "And that concludes tonight's third and final Presidential debate.  From all of us here at Hofstra University, goodnight and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!!!"

Highlights from "Weekend Update" are below:

WEEKEND UPDATE CO-ANCHOR AMY POEHLER – "Last night marked the third and final debate between Joe Cool and Yosemite Sam."

POEHLER – "With just 19 days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence.  Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted 'We Are The Champions' and shouted 'I'm King of the World.'"

"WEEKEND UPDATE" CO-ANCHOR SETH MEYERS – "Barack Obama has begun running ads within video games.  Obama ads can be seen in video games such as 'Madden NFL '09' and 'Burnout.'  Not to be outdone, John McCain has begun putting ads inside many MRI machines.

MEYERS – "A 20 year-old woman in Flint, Michigan has been painting Winnie the Pooh characters on the sides of vacant houses in hopes of beautifying the area.  She hopes residents will be uplifted by the sight of a bear who can't afford pants and his best friend, a depressed donkey."

(KRISTEN WIIG slowly wanders up to the Update desk as the lady from the October 10 McCain rally, wearing a red shirt, big glasses and muttering to herself)

MEYERS -  "Oh no.  It's that crazy lady from the McCain rally."
WIIG – "I gotta ask you a question.  About Obama..."
MEYERS – "Now's really not a good time..."
WIIG – "I dough not...I can't trust him.  Obama."
MEYERS – "And why can't you trust Obama?"
WIIG – "I read about him...and he's a...he's a...he's a...he's a Arab."
MEYERS – "No, ma'am.  No.  He's not an Arab."
WIIG – "No?  Oh, 'cuz I went to the liberry and had this little black girl help me look up Obama on the computer pages, and let me tell you...it says he cavorts with terriers."
MEYERS – "With terriers?  No, ma'am.  No, he does not do that..."
WIIG – "No?  Oh.  Maybe I heard I read that..."
(SHE wanders off)

POEHLER -  -- "Public school officials in Chicago, Illinois are recommending approval of a 'gay-friendly' high school because harassment and violence are causing gay students to drop out at alarming rates.   However, officials were surprised when they found out the high school already exists. (IN THE KEYSCREEN, A PICTURE OF THE "HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL" LOGO)

(WIIG wanders up again, this time behind POEHLER & MEYERS)

POEHLER – "Uh oh, she's back.  Ma'am, please sit down."
WIIG – "I got the proof that Obama, he's a...he's a muslin."
POEHLER – "Obama is a muslin?  No, ma'am.  Muslin is a kind of fabric.
WIIG – "You know, he wasn't born here...and he's...he's...he's a Jer.
POEHLER – "What?  A Jer?"
WIIG – "He's a big Jer.  He's Jerish."
POEHLER – "You mean Jewish?  Ma'am, he's not Jewish."
WIIG – "No?  Well, I do know he's fifty percent Egyptan.  And he's gonna change the White House to a pyramid."
POEHLER – "No, ma'am.  No he's not."
WIIG – "No?  Obama...He wants all the weddings to be gay weddings and they have orgys."
POEHLER – "Orgies?  No ma'am.  I don't know where you're getting this stuff..."
WIIG – "And the stem stells..."
MEYERS – "I think she means stem cells."
WIIG – "No..."
MEYERS – "Crazy McCain Rally Lady everybody!"

MEYERS – "More than 140 colleges across the country have completely banned smoking on campus, which is more than triple the number from a year ago.  Still bucking the trend: The University of Winston-Salem Lights."

MEYERS – "The Lake Champlain Regional Chamber of Commerce held the First Annual Giant Pumpkin Regatta Sunday, in which participants rowed giant pumpkins.  So yeah, I think America's gonna be all right."

MEYERS -
"A miniature horse has been given a second chance for a career as a show horse - thanks to a prosthetic eye.  When told about this incident, a race horse with a broken leg said, "WHAT?!?"

MEYERS - "You know we can be a little bit negative at 'Weekend Update' so in an effort to be positive about the debate that happened last night we'd like to introduce a new segment we call 'We Liked It'
"You know, I liked that debate. I liked how the candidates didn't answer certain questions and stuck to their talking points.  And I liked how they kept talking about Joe the plumber. That guy got more shout outs than the Moms at the Source Awards."

POEHLER – "I liked how they talked about education because I think teachers are underpaid.  But you know, who's not underpaid? Plumbers.  Plumbers are doing just fine. They are recession-proof.  You might not buy a new car when the economy is down, but if your toilet's backed up, you're calling a plumber. America will put up with a lot of things but we will not settle for being ankle-deep in our own poop."

MEYERS – "And you know what else I like? I like how the candidates always thank the host school even though we all know they have nothing better going on.  What else were they going to do at Hofstra last night?  Was the a cappella group going to sing? I mean, it's college football season we're talking about Hofstra for goodness sake.

POEHLER – "You know what I like?  I like how in two debates John McCain has compared Obama to Herbert Hoover. Aw snap!  Way to connect with the youth of the country with a Hoover reference.  You got him good.  But why stop there?  Hey young people, what about William Ayers? That guy is a regular Emma Goldman.  You know, the anarchist who incited violence in the early 1900's? Oh you don't know? That's because your teachers get paid worse than plumbers."

MEYERS – "And John McCain, I like how you keep saying there should have been more town hall debates event though you were not good at your town hall debate.  You were lurching at people and walking around like you should have been wearing a hospital gown."

POEHLER – "And you know what else we like?"
POEHLER/MEYERS – "Split screen!"

POEHLER – "We like how it seems like the other person doesn't know they're still on camera so they sigh and roll their eyes.  But Obama, you gotta stop smiling.  You need a poker face. I know you have a full house and the other guy is going all-in, but you can't start buying drinks for everyone.

MEYERS – "And hey McCain, you also have to stop smiling just in general. Just trust me on that.  I've seen more natural smiles on haunted house skeletons."

POEHLER – "But otherwise, we liked it."

MEYERS – "As Barack Obama gains momentum, some Democrats are worried about "The Bradley Effect" – a term named after former Los Angeles Mayor Tom Bradley, an African American, who lost the election for governor despite showing a significant lead in the polls.  Here to comment is the Reverend Jesse Jackson."

HAMMOND AS REV. JESSE JACKSON – "Greetings Seth and Amy.  The Bradley Effect is a reality that is both unavoidable and unequivocal.  It is a phenomenon we all hope will not become an Obama-non.  According to recent CNN/Yahoo poll, when voters were asked, 'Would you elect an African-American president?' 87 percent responded 'yes.'  But when asked the follow-up question: 'Really?,' that number dropped to 30 percent."

MEYERS – "Well, most pundits estimate The Bradley Effect at around six percentage points.  Do you think it could happen to Obama?"

HAMMOND AS REV. JACKSON – "Oh, most certainly. In fact, when I ran for President in 1984, the Bradley Effect cost me forty-three percent.  It was certainly not because I had no experience, had never held an elected office, or that I referred to New York as 'Hymietown.'"

MEYERS – "So you think that despite the polls, some racism might come through when people get in the voting booth?"

HAMMOND AS REV. JACKSON – "Absolutely. There is often a disparity between what white people say and what they do.  They tell their black friends they enjoy hip-hop, but look at their CD collection and all they have is a Tone-Loc album from 1987 and Sir Mix-A-Lot's 'Baby Got Back.'"

MEYERS – "But obviously, Obama still has an excellent chance to win, right?"

HAMMOND AS REV. JACKSON – "Absolutely.  For tonight, in 2008, the dream of a black President is still actual, and numerically factual and realistically blacktual.  Keep hope alive."
MEYERS – "The Reverend Jesse Jackson everyone!"

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